Tuesday, June 29, 2004


When World War 2 started, the USA decided to keep their noses out of it. Who cares right? It's none of our business. This led to Germany taking over most of Europe, and Japan taking over most of Asia.

We in the USA seeed rather indifferent to what was going on. Nobody attacked us, so why should we go to war? Then Pearl Harbor happened...

That pretty much forced us to take a stand against Japan, but what about Germany. Why did we go to Europe? Germany hadn't attacked us. Germany just wanted to control Europe. That was the popular sentiment of the time.

Thankfully, the powers that be saw what a threat to our security Germany posed. So the sleeping giant was awakened, and the great war machine that is the USA went to war.

Now imagine if you will, what the left of today would say.
"We need to understand why Hitler hates the jews."
"We shouldn't attack the Germans, they haven't attacked us."
"No preemptive wars, think about the children."
"No war for bratwurst!"...etc.

Compare that to our current situation. We were attacked on our own soil by Muslims. We went after the motherfuckers who did it. We knew they had ties to Iraq. Saddam Hussein hates America, so we attacked Iraq to liberate it's people, and attempt to establish a stable democracy other than Israel in the middle east.

Who is our enemy now? Muslims. Where are they located? Damn near everywhere.

The threat posed by these rabid fucktards is, in my opinion, just as great or greater than Germany during WW2. They have infiltrated every country, preach nothing but hatred for us, and encourage their followers to kill the infidels.

This folks, is World War three. Whether you choose to see it or not, we are involved in war that will encompass most of the world. Our enemy is so insidious, they have convinced roughly half of our country that we are the ones who are bloodthirsty, that we want nothing but war. They have even convinced them that they pose no real threat. All I can say to that is, on 9/11/2001, you decided to attack the wrong country, under the wrong president. You showed your true colors, beyond a shadow of a doubt, and we will find you wherever you may hide.

This is not a war on terror, it is World War 3, and until the rest of the world realizes it, we will have to fight to keep ourselves, and all of them safe.

Monday, June 28, 2004

9 million things

Well, it seems I have fallen into the trap of regurgitating other peoples work lately...that will have to stop soon. The problem is, I have about 9 million unfinished ideas, and I don't want to post until I can take one through to conclusion. But please check back often...some of these are real doozies.

My thoughts on Bigotry...pro wrestling...the search for Gekkak..and much, much more.

Sunday, June 27, 2004

How to handle protesters

"How To Handle The Protesters"

With the current war raging in Iraq, many of us will encounter "Peace Activists" who will try and convince us that we must refrain from riding the world of Saddam and the people that he supports... Many of them terrorists. Do you remember September 11, 2001?
These activists may be alone or in a gathering... Most of us don't know how to react to them. When you come upon one of these people, or one of their rallies, here are the proper rules of etiquette:

1. Listen politely while this person explains their views. Strike up a conversation if necessary and look very interested in their ideas. They will tell you how revenge is immoral, and that by attacking the evil regimes and the people who did this to us, we will only bring on more violence. They will probably use many arguments, ranging from political to religious to humanitarian.

2. In the middle of their remarks, without any warning, punch them in the nose.

3. When the person gets up off of the ground, they will be very angry and they may try to hit you, so be careful.

4. Very quickly and calmly remind the person that violence only brings about more violence and remind them of their stand on this matter. Tell them if they are really committed to a non-violent approach, they will turn the other cheek and negotiate a solution. Tell them they must lead by example if they really believe what they are saying.

5. Most of them will think for a moment and then agree that you are correct.

6. As soon as they do that, hit them again. Only this time hit them much harder. Square in the nose.

7. Repeat steps 2-5 until the desired results are obtained and the person realizes how stupid of an argument he/she is making.

There is no difference in an individual attacking an unsuspecting victim or a group of terrorists attacking a nation of people. It is unacceptable and must be dealt with. Perhaps at a high cost.

We owe our military a huge debt for what they are about to do for us and our children. We must support them and our leaders at times like these. We have no choice. We either strike back, VERY HARD, or we will keep getting hit in the nose.

If you can't be a good example, at least be a horrible warning.

Friday, June 25, 2004

Tattoo...no not the midget.

So, a week from saturday I am going to get my third tattoo. This one is going to be quite a bit more extensive than the two I already have. This one is going to be from shoulder blade to shoulder blade across my back.

I have a really broad back.

This process will most likely take several hours, and cost around 200 bucks. And unlike the previous two, I can see this one actually hurting. Right over the spine especially.

Not that I am a pussy when it comes to pain or anything, an example: I was boxing with a friend, and he clipped my nose, breaking it quite nicely. My response...you win, you broke my nose, that matter-of-factly. No screaming, no whining. Another example: I passed out and broke my first rib, up under my collar bone. I sat around the house for four hours before I noticed that my shirt was sticking out in front. I didn't even say ouch until they started manipulating me for x-rays. (little kung-fu bitches that they are)

I guess what I am saying is, anyone who knows me and wants to come see me squirm and whine, gimme a call or drop a line, and I will give you the details.

Thursday, June 24, 2004

Differences Between You And Your Boss

Differences Between You And Your Boss

If you take a long time, you're slow.
BUT if your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

If you don't do it, you're lazy.
BUT if your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

If you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
BUT if your boss makes a mistake, he's 'only human'.

If you're on a day off sick, you're 'always' sick.
BUT if your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

If you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
BUT if your boss does it, he's being firm.

If you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
BUT if your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

If you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.
BUT if your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative.

If you do something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
BUT if your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

If you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
BUT if your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

If you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
BUT if your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Beef jerkey.

There used to be this infomercial about a food dehydrator. They went on and on about the virtues of their miracle machine. They asked "How much a year do you spend on beef jerkey alone?".
At that time, the answer was "Not a fucking penny you moron."

Now however, I have calculated it, and I spend about two-hundred dollars a year on jerkey alone. There is something terribly wrong with that. I find myself craving jerkey in the middle of the night, in the morning, hell, all the time. I like spicey jerkey, and teryaki jerkey. I like buffalo jerkey too, but only occasionally.
The best jerkey I have had is this homemade stuff I get at the local apple orchard here. It's spicy, and sweet, and not too tough on the teeth. It's like the blue ribbon fucking jerkey.

Why Joe? Why a post about beef jerkey?

Beacause I ran out yesterday, and forgot to pick more up.

Anger Management.

fuck shit damn fuck asshole bastard fucking shit piss poop in a bucket.

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up for me right now. I have this overwhelming feeling of rage, it is how my depression likes to express itself. It's kinda scary, I dream about beating people to death. I haven't been in a fight since I was in my early twenties, but I feel like I want to kick some ass these days. I see people who for some reason or another annoy me, and I want to put them in a joint lock and make them beg for mercy. I see happy people, and I want to hurt them.

I am not normally a violent person, in fact I am pretty laid back. Or at least I was..what the fuck is that about?

DVD Mania!!!

Hello loyal readers.

Today, my loverly wife has done wonderful things for LittleJoe. She has purchased the Indiana Jones box set, and the first season of the Dave Chappell show on dvd.

As we sat watching the Chappell show, I couldn't help but notice that she really didn't get it. Which is fine, we do have drastically different senses of humor. I think it was the black white supremicist skit that really turned her off though.

Monday, June 21, 2004

Big Brass Balls.

Failed G-8 protesters want government handout
Seeking $2,000 to cover debt after only 150 demonstrators came

Posted: June 19, 2004
1:00 a.m. Eastern

© 2004 WorldNetDaily.com

After a failed anti-war protest during the recent G-8 summit in Georgia, a non-profit group is asking local government officials for funds to cover its shortfalls.

Organizer Kellie Gasink expected more than 5,000 participants during her group's June 8-10 events, but just 150 showed up, the Savannah Morning News reported.

Gasink was hoping to pay for the International Festival for Peace and Civil Liberties in Savannah's Forsyth Park by selling T-shirts and posters she and her husband, William Pleasant, had created.

In a letter to the mayor and aldermen, she asked for $2,000.

Alderman Ellis Cook told the paper giving her group the money would set a bad precedent, prompting every group with a failed event to follow suit.

"We're not in the business of supporting losing causes," Cook said.

The city already waved $2,100 in permit fees and reduced the maintenance deposit from from $7,500 to $500, he pointed out.

"The city has really gone above and beyond to ensure that this event happened and in the end, this is the risk of promoting events," Alderman Van Johnson told the Morning News. "You might get left holding the bag."

Gasink argued her festival was a "chief component" for the lack of violence and arrests in Savannah during the G-8 summit, which in the past have been the scene of violent clashes.

She and her husband continue their demonstrating, however, including a display last night of 100 umbrellas called the "Shower of Tears." The umbrellas bear the names and descriptions of 50 Americans and 50 Iraqis killed during fighting in Iraq over the past year.

They plan a candlelight vigil next week for Camilo Mejia, an Army staff sergeant convicted for desertion after claiming conscientious objector status when he did not return to Iraq following a two-week leave.

This my friends, is the epitomy of testicular fortitude. What in god's name are these people thinking? Have they been so conditioned by the left to think that it's the government's responsibility whether they fail or succeed?

It couldn't simply be that noone showed up because you're an idiot right? Maybe you forgot to send out the fliers, or maybe MoveOn.org forgot to motivate the masses of jobless proffessional protesters to help you out.

Regardless, if they get one red cent, I will be starting a letter writing campaign to make sure that the mayor of this city, and the governer never get reelected.

Happy Birthday to me.

Today is my three year sobriety birthday. Wow, it's hard to believe it's been three years already.

Sunday, June 20, 2004

Oh really? So Bush didn't lie after all.

The assertion that Saddam Hussein had no Weapons of Mass Destruction prior to last year’s liberation has been rendered absurd – by United Nations weapons inspectors.

Demetrius Perricos, acting chairman of UN Monitoring, Verification and Inspection Commission (UNMOVIC), recently disclosed that his inspectors have been busily tracking shipments of illicit Iraqi WMD components around the world.

The Associated Press announced that UNMOVIC inspectors have found dozens of engines from banned al-Samoud 2 (SA2) missiles, which were shipped out of Iraq as “scrap metal.” Most recently, UNMOVIC agents found 20 SA-2 engines in Jordan, along with a great deal of other WMD materials. Officials discovered an identical engine in a Rotterdam port in the Netherlands and believe as many as a dozen extra SA-2 missile engines alone have been transported out of Iraq and remain unaccounted for. Inspectors believe at least some of these engines have also reached Turkey and hope to search Turkish ports in the near future.

UNMOVIC estimates as much as 1,000 tons of scrap metal a day are leaving Iraq bound for foreign shores.

Besides the SA-2 engines, inspectors also found Iraqi “dual use” technology in Jordan, items purportedly employed in civilian affairs that can be used to create or enhance deadly weapons systems. The New York Times noted that among those items were “fermenters, a freeze drier, distillation columns, parts of missiles and a reactor vessel - all tools suitable for making biological or chemical weapons.”

UN spokesman Ewen Buchanan put the threat of “dual use” technology into perspective. “You can make all kinds of pharmaceutical and medicinal products with a fermenter,” Buchanan said. “You can also use it to breed anthrax.”

Before the war, Saddam’s regime cast its possession of “dual use” materials in the most innocent light, a ruse familiar to students of the Cold War. UNMOVIC wisely rejected his sunny assessment.

Today, UNMOVIC inspectors are deeply concerned about the possibility of WMD proliferation. A Reuters news story captures their distress:

I find this strangely satisfying, given the treehuginghippyfucktard..(deep breathe)...morallybankruptsocialisticsympathizingappeasementmonkeys view on the whole WMD thing. Will they have to change their position on Bush's truthfulness? Will they have to publicly apologize?

Fuck no, they're liberals, they will do what they always do, and never acknowledge that they said anything to the contrary, and shift focus to their newest bitchfest.An apologizing liberal is alot like a bigfoot, sure you've heard about it, but do you know anyone who's seen it?

On another note. Who the hell will even hear about this in the world of alphabet news? (CNN, NBC, CBS..grrr...ABC, MSNBC)
My best guess is nobody will, or if they do, it will be somehow spun into. Yeah, but it's really about the oil.

What? More religious crap Joe?

Yeah yeah, I know, I'm going all koo-koo for religion these last few days, but bear with me, I've almost got it out of my system for now.

Now then.

I am a very spiritual person, I believe in one almighty god who has the power to save my soul for all eternity. God has saved me from Alcoholism, and founded in me some new hope for life. Without god, I was a piece of shit bastard...sure I was fun at parties, but that's really beside the point. I digress..sorry.

Anyway, I feel that it is my duty as a spiritual person to try to share my views with other people, so that they can have the spiritual peace of mind that I have. Physically I'm all fucked up, but I think my soul is doing ok. I don't feel it is my duty to push my beliefs on another person....I don't know if may wy is right or wrong for them, but it's right for me. I feel that if I have shared my view, at least it's something to chew on. Ask anyone who knows me, and they will tell you I do not try to convert anybody, but if you ask, I will explain as best I can my faith.

That said, I don't believe that it is my duty to "cure" people who don't have faith, it's not my problem if I have shared mine with them.

This is what truly pisses me off about Islam, and fundementalist fucktards in general: They don't think you have a right to choose what you believe for yourself, and become angry and sometimes violently so, when you oppose their view of what "religion" is.

I am capable of great violence in defense of my family, my friends, or myself. I am not capable of giving a shit if someone chooses to not believe in god. In the Old Testament, there is a line, "Judge not lest ye yourself be judged". That seems like a damn fine rule of thumb for me. How can I condemn a man, or woman, for that which I myself have been guilty. For all I know in time they WILL believe. But I know that if you force somebody in a direction, it is only natural that they fight back just as hard.

I cannot comprehend how, if the god of Mohammed, Jesus, and Moses, are the same god....as stated in the Korran, and the Old Testament, how anyone can justify killing in his name. I mean on of the top ten is "Thou shalt not Kill". Now maybe I am oversimplifying, but that seems pretty FUCKING straight forward.

It is in the later verses of the Korran, and in other Islamic texts ( they have several they are to read and adhere to ) that the laws of Moses are basically turned on their head. "Thou shalt not Kill", suddenly becomes "Thou shall subjecate, or kill the infidels".

Whoa! That came out of left field. It seems that somehow, through some twisted vision, or psychotic fever-dream, the old prophet got his wires crossed.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't understand how anyone can believe it is their right to force anyone else to believe anything. Especially something as personal and special as their relationship with a spiritual being, philosophy, or idea.

There, I think I feel better now. Thanks for reading...if you did.

Friday, June 18, 2004

What does religion of peace really mean?

Allah or Jesus?

by Rick Mathes, a leader in Prison Ministry

Last month I attended my annual training session that's required

for maintaining my state prison security clearance. During the

Training session there was a presentation by three speakers

representing the Roman Catholic, Protestant and Muslim faiths,

who explained each of their be lief systems.

I was particularly interested in what the Islamic Imam had to say.

The Imam gave a great presentation of the basics of Islam, complete

with a video.

After the presentations, time was provided for questions and answers.

When it was my turn, I directed my question to the Imam and asked:

"Please, correct me if I'm wrong, but I understand that most Imams

and clerics of Islam have declared a holy jihad [Holy war] against

the infidels of the world. And, that by killing an infidel, which is

a command to all Muslims, they are assured of a place in heaven.

If that's the case, can you give me the definition of an infidel?"

There was no disagreement with my statements and, without hesitation,

he replied, "Nonbelievers!"

I responded, "So, let me make sure I have this straight....All followers

of Allah have been commanded to kill everyone who is not of your faith

so they can go to Heaven. Is that correct?"

The ___expression on his face changed from one of authority and command

to that of a little boy who had just gotten caught with his hand in the cookie

jar. He sheepishly replied, "Yes."

I then stated, "Well, sir, I have a real problem trying to imagine Pope John Paul commanding all Catholics to kill those of your faith or Dr. Stanley ordering

Protestants to do the same in order to go to Heaven!"

The Imam was speechless.

I continued, "I also have problem with being your friend when you and

your brother clerics are telling your followers to kill me. Let me ask

you a question ? Would you rather have your Allah who tells you to

kill me in order to go to Heaven or my Jesus who tells me to love you

because I am going to Heaven and He wants you to be with me?"

You could have heard a pin drop as the Imam hung his head in shame.

Needless to say, the organizers and/or promoters of the 'Diversification'

training seminar were not happy with Rick's way of dealing with the Islamic

Imam and exposing the truth about the Muslim's beliefs.

I think everyone in the US should be required to read this,

but with the liberal justice system, liberal media, and the ACLU, there is

no way this will be widely publicized. Please pass this on to all your

This pretty much sums it up for me. I spent today looking for the specific Koran verses that went along these lines, but I'll just take it from one of their Imams (prayer leaders). It really is quite simple. We are not Muslim, so we should die.

Thursday, June 17, 2004


U.N. Says Globe Drying Up at Fast Pace
By CHRIS HAWLEY, Associated Press Writer

UNITED NATIONS - The world is turning to dust, with lands the size of Rhode Island becoming desert wasteland every year and the problem threatening to send millions of people fleeing to greener countries, the United Nations says.

One-third of the Earth's surface is at risk, driving people into cities and destroying agriculture in vast swaths of Africa. Thirty-one percent of Spain is threatened, while China has lost 36,000 square miles to desert — an area the size of Indiana — since the 1950s.

This week the United Nations marks the 10th anniversary of the Convention to Combat Desertification, a plan aimed at stopping the phenomenon. Despite the efforts, the trend seems to be picking up speed — doubling its pace since the 1970s.

"It's a creeping catastrophe," said Michel Smitall, a spokesman for the U.N. secretariat that oversees the 1994 accord. "Entire parts of the world might become uninhabitable."

Ok...so the hole water table thing is out the window now too? Where the fuck is the water going? Outer space...no...uhh...hmm? Notice to Mr. Smitall, entire parts of the world are already uninhabitable. And what exactly are the efforts of the UN to stop the "desertification"? Are they going to pass useless resolutions against it? Ar they going to hope really hard that it stops, and ignore it when it doesn't? Or will they just blame Isreal?

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

I love Brokennews.com

Stung by criticism that his Iraq policy is either incoherent or indistinguishable from the current administration's, presumptive Democratic nominee John Kerry picked firebrand, anti-American cleric Moqtada al-Sadr as his Vice-Presidential running mate. The move, which shocked the American public and befuddled Constitutional scholars, is expected to help Kerry solidify both the anti-war and radical-cleric voting blocks.

Jane Fonda, Kerry's newly-appointed spokesperson, said that the pairing "was only natural-John needed a running mate to help emphasize those statements that he made against the war over those that he made for it. John has been very impressed with al-Sadr's anti-Bush campaign in Iraq, and it is our belief that a Kerry/al-Sadr ticket will finally help to bring stability to that region, and ours."

The announcement set Washington abuzz. Rumors began to circulate that Moqtada al-Sadr may have cheated on his third wife with his fourth, and that his fatwa against Coalition Provisional Authority head Paul Bremer may have been obtained illegally. The air was so thick with rumors of al-Sadr's connection to oil money that Halliburton president B. L. Zebub was forced to issue a statement denying a connection between the radical cleric and the evil oil consulting company.

When asked for comment, a spokesman for al-Sadr said that the cleric would "wipe is ass with your satanic Constitution, spit on your legal institutions, and obliterate congress." Further, the spokesman said that al-Sadr's goals for his first 100 days in office are "to turn the Washington Monument into a mosque, nuke Israel, and make Hillary Clinton his fifth wife."

Of cats and men.

It's official, my cat hates me.

We used to be tight, playing string, cuddling on the couch. Now however, she runs away from me whenever I try to pet her. It's like she suddenly realized that I am big enough to consider her a meal or something.

This is kind of sad considering how we got her. It was a cold night in November of '03 and we had just pulled into the parking garage here at the prison. I heard this muffled meowing, and looked under the car. Low and behold there was Corkscrew, she wasn't called that yet, but she soon would be. This cute little cat walked out from under the car, and sat looking up at me as if to say, "Look buddy let's get on with the petting."
So I reached down and pet the cat, and she drops to the ground and rolls around earning herself the name Corkscrew. We can't have pets in our apartment building, so I went upstairs and grabbed a couple of old flannel shirts to make her a bed, and a can of salmon to feed her.
The next morning we took her around looking for her owners, with no luck. She sat with me in the car, purring like crazy when I pet her. I decided we couldn't just take her to the pound, and tried to give her to some of my friends. No luck there. So I asked Patti if her friend Jennifer could take the cat in until we found a new home. Jennifer agreed, and has since fallen in love with the cat. Corky and I have been inseparable since then. Until this week that is. Now she runs away, doesn't let me pet her, and is being an all around psycho cat.

I wonder if kitty valium would help? Probably not, but I ssem to have lost the only "real" pet I have ever had. This is depressing.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Who am I?

I have been in a deep depression so long that I can't even remember what I used to be like. I know I enjoyed life alot more, and I was able to communicate without being vitriolic. But in the last year, I have grown steadily more angry and irritated.
At first I thought it was just politically motivated, and while it's true that the barking moonbats on the left DO piss me off, that can't explain away everything I feel. I am alienating most people that I hold dear in my life, and that makes me sad. I don't feel that communicating to them is in my best interest because I lose my temper at the most inane things.
Right now, I am glad to be having a moment of clarity, maybe my meds are finally working, maybe the planets are aligned in my favor. Who knows? All I can say is, I wish the old me would rear his head. Not the me from before I got sober, just the me from a little over a year ago. It's frustrating not being able to work, or leave the house alone because I'm afraid I will pass out and someone will call an ambulance. I need that like I need another hole in my head. Some of my family is no better, they freak out when I pass out, and I understand that they care about me, and worry. But damn. I have been doing this for over a year, and it's really become just, well, normal for me.
I love my family, and my friends, and I want to see them more, but I tend to lock myself up in this prison of an apartment for fear of having one of my "episodes" around them.
I used to be fairly independant, and self-reliant, but now, I find myself in this personal hell of having to rely on other people for alot of things I used to take for granted. I can't drive myself anywhere, this makes things doubly worse. There was a time when I used to go driving just to clear my head, and refresh myself, that time is now taken from me, ripped away by a medical condition that five experts can't pinpoint.
I know what depressed people SHOULD do to alleviate some of the symptoms of depression, but I have trouble motivating myself to do more than go from bed to couch. I wish..well hell, maybe that's my problem, I wish instead of do.
One of the main reasons I started this blog was to get this pent up bullshit out of my system, and vent to the ether. Ah, well, I think I'll step off the soapbox for now, and go play Jedi Academy.


Today, my illustrious staff and I have landed an interview with would be conquerer and world leader The Great and Powerful Gekkak.
As I sit across from him/it, I can't help but wonder about his motivations, and history. These things and more will be revealed in this interesting, yet disturbing interview.

Note: Gekkak's voice is a mixture of comic-book guy from the simpsons, and Dr. Detroit.
LJ= LittleJoe G= Gekkak

LJ: SO Mr. Gekkak...
G: That's Lord Gekkak.
LJ: Right sorry, so Lord Gekkak, many people here are wondering where you came from, and why you've decided that now is the time to start your campaign against the world.
G: You see Joe, I can call you Joe right?
LJ: Sure.
G: You see Joe, I come from an obcure little country called Dookieboodybad, and in my country we had very little by way of modern amenities. Running water was considered a luxury, motorized vehicles were almost unheard of. We lived simply, raising camels for meat and milk, and making wonderful cheese. Have you ever had camel cheese?
LJ: No I haven't, sounds interesting though.
G: It's quite nice, yes. Anyway, being an evil genious, I knew there had to be more for me out there, so at age seven I struck out on my own to discover my density.
LJ: Don't you mean destiny?
G: Do not ever correct me again, or I will have your flesh removed with genetically enhanced gerbils. But yes, I meant destiny.
LJ: OK, and you say you struck out on your own at age seven, I find that hard to believe.
G: Yes, well, most people of average intelligence and temperment do. I however, knew by then all that my little country could teach me.
LJ: Speaking of your country, I've never heard of Dookyboodybad, where exactly is it?
G: Ohio.
LJ: Ohio huh?
G: Yes, do you doubt me? Vern grab the gerbils!
LJ: No, no, that won't be neccesary. I just wasn't aware that a separate country existed within the U.S. itself.
G: Most don't. It's quite small you see. Anyway, I headed to Cleveland to seek my densi..err..destiny. I was found by a policman, and taken to an orphanage. If I hadn't been seven, I would have had his...
LJ: Flesh removed with gerbils?
G: No...idiot (he rolls his eyes at me) undying devotion to serve me. Unfortunately, I hadn't yet mastered my mind controlling techniques.
LJ: You have a mind controlling technique?
G: Of course, why else do you think Vern serves me?
LJ: Actually I thought Vern was a homeless guy you picked up somewhere along the way.
G: No he isn't.
LJ: But I swear I used to see him on the way to work. You're sure he wasn't a homeless guy?
G: Of course I'm sure, don't make me slice you in half.
LJ: Slice me in half?!!?
G: With my laser-sword you plebian.
NOTE: "Lord" Gekkak is wearing a tattered business suit, a darth vader helmet, cape, and no less than seven winter coats. He is carrying a plastic lightsaber toy on his hip.
LJ: Of course, sorry. Back to your story.
G: Yes, as I was saying, Gekkak came from humble beginnings. That's me by the way. Gekkak.
LJ: I was aware of that.
G: I was a ward of the state of Ohio until I was Eighteen years old. I went from foster home to foster home, learning the ways of the civilized world, and how to destroy it from the inside.
LJ: Could you give some examples?
G: Well...hmm...I learned that if you didn't go to bed when told, it made adults quite upset. I plan on using that in my campaign of conquest. I also learned that by not eating my vegetables, I could feed them to the family pet, thus altering it's genetic structure making it a flesh eating beast.
LJ: Hence the flesh eating gerbils?
G: Yes, I have no less that five fully carniverous gerbils awaiting their chance to taste flesh. They have been fed nothing but broccoli, and peas for three years.
LJ: How do you know they will eat flesh then?
G: By their greenish tint you fool!
LJ: Of course. I...should've known that. You mentioned something about not going to bed as a part of your plan...could you elaborate on that.
G: I will give to you, the basic idea. I cannot go into too much detail, or my plan could be thwarted.
LJ: Fair enough, go ahead please.
G: Yes, you see, I plan on commandeering a government mind controlling sattelite, and sending message to children....that is all I can tell you.
LJ: I didn't know the government had mind controlling sattelites.
G: Of course they do, it was Vern who pointed it out to me, hence his mind control reflecting helmet.
LJ: He's wearing aluminum foil on his head.
G: To the average person it appears to be only aluminum foil, yes, but to the intiated, it is so much more.
LJ: How do you know it works?
G: Well, Vern serves only me, and no other.
(I look over to see Vern pulling a half-eaten apple out of the garbage can, he starts eating it with great relish)
LJ: So, "Lord" Gekkak, how do you plan on taking over this "Mind-Controlling Sattelite"?
G: Simple really, I have fashioned this! (He holds up what appears to be a bunch of broken circuit boards, and a pair of jumper cables, all held together with duct-tape, and bubble gum.)
LJ: err..pardon my ignorance, but what is that?
G: It is my sattelite orbital communication discombobulator.
LJ: Fascinating...how does it work?
G: You see, I connect these...OUCH!...cable connecter thingies to my index fingers, and point to the sattelite, sending my ultra-powerful mental rays into it. This of course causes it to be bent to my will.
LJ: Of course. Well Gekkak, that's all the time we have for today, can you come back tomorrow at the same time to finish the interview?
G: Let's see....soup kitchen opens at noon...yes I believe it possible.
LJ: Good see you tomorrow then.
G: Vern pull up the mobile control platform.
LJ: Didn't you come here in a radio flyer?
G: Yes..to the untrained eye it looks that way. To throw off suspicion of course.

Tune in tomorrow for more of Gekkaks fascinating story, and insight into his inner workings.

Monday, June 14, 2004

"Please hold, and our next available representative will be with you."

This is my newest big annoyance. Getting a call from someone I don't want to talk to anyway, and being put on hold before I can tell them to go to hell. One of my favorite things to do, is wait for them to pick up, and just set the phone down somewhere. Meanwhile I make sounds like a struggle, or like choking, or begging for mercy, just loud enough for them to hear. What amazes me, is that I have never once had the police show up at my apartment to see if I was alive. You would think the blood sucking collection vampires would want me to live so I could pay them. In every case however, they have just hung-up the phone and apparently gone about their business. Is anyone else a little disturbed by the disregard for another human being that these bastards show?

Oh wait, they're collection agents, of course they don't care.

It kind of reminds me of Joe Pesci in "The Super",
"What, you got fired? F*ck you pay me."
"You have to feed your kids? F*ck you, pay me."

And you just know the weasily little cocky SOB, who acts so tough behind his phone anonymiity is about 5'2", and 98 lbs. soaking wet.
I wonder what they would do if I just showed up at their office one day? Anyone who knows me, know that I am a big scary guy when I want to be. I can see it now...

"Randy, there's some big-ass psycho looking dude asking for you at the front desk."
Randy peers around the corner and sees my 6'5" 300 pound ass waiting for him. He then proceeds to wet himself, and call the cops.

Of course this is the same guy who was more than happy to let me die a horrible gruesome death just days before. Kind of ironic if you think about it. Bastard.

Sunday, June 13, 2004

20 things you might want to know about me.

1. I am very tall, 6'5" to be exactly close.
2. I am almost thirty, and still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.
3. I am three years sober, and thankful for every day of sanity this has brought me.
4. When I say sanity, it is only in contrast to how I used to be, not neccesarily a reflection of actual stability.
5. My wife affectionately calls me a "nerd".
6. I have a cat named Corkscrew, and a fish named Midnight.
7. Politicly speaking, I am just past the right wing-tip.
8. I believe in god, but follow no organized religion.
9. I used to throw people out of my above-ground swimming pool. That's not a figurative statement, those rocks hurt like hell.
10. My favorite food is almost anything with tomato sauce, cheese, and garlic.
11. I can swear in five languages.
12. I once trained to be a professional wrestler, but a knee injury ended that aspiration.
13. I haven't emptied the trash can next my computer for three months. I now consider it "modern art".
14. I am a video game junkie. I can actually lose days to a new game.
15. I remeber when the commodore 64 was "state of the art".
16. I hate tree-hugging hippie crap, socialism, and spam. (the meat by-product, not the e-mail)
17. I believe in "exotic dancing" as a viable art form.
18. I am considered medically disabled because I spontaneously pass out for no apparent reason.
19. I have a tattoo for every year I am sober.
20. I have never had bad sex, bad pizza, or bad cheese. (Except for that one time the blue cheese went rancid, and I didn't notice until I hate taken a bite)

Why subject yourself to this?

Well, after months of internal debate, I have decided that I need an outlet for all of my frustrations, jubilations, and thoughts. PLUS, my wife got sick of listening to me bitch and moan all the time. Eventually, I am going to have to teach myself HTML so I can change the looks around here a little bit. But for now, pull up a chair in the front row, and listen to me ramble on. You just might find something interesting to chew on.