Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Introducing...Gekkak

Today, my illustrious staff and I have landed an interview with would be conquerer and world leader The Great and Powerful Gekkak.
As I sit across from him/it, I can't help but wonder about his motivations, and history. These things and more will be revealed in this interesting, yet disturbing interview.

Note: Gekkak's voice is a mixture of comic-book guy from the simpsons, and Dr. Detroit.
LJ= LittleJoe G= Gekkak

LJ: SO Mr. Gekkak...
G: That's Lord Gekkak.
LJ: Right sorry, so Lord Gekkak, many people here are wondering where you came from, and why you've decided that now is the time to start your campaign against the world.
G: You see Joe, I can call you Joe right?
LJ: Sure.
G: You see Joe, I come from an obcure little country called Dookieboodybad, and in my country we had very little by way of modern amenities. Running water was considered a luxury, motorized vehicles were almost unheard of. We lived simply, raising camels for meat and milk, and making wonderful cheese. Have you ever had camel cheese?
LJ: No I haven't, sounds interesting though.
G: It's quite nice, yes. Anyway, being an evil genious, I knew there had to be more for me out there, so at age seven I struck out on my own to discover my density.
LJ: Don't you mean destiny?
G: Do not ever correct me again, or I will have your flesh removed with genetically enhanced gerbils. But yes, I meant destiny.
LJ: OK, and you say you struck out on your own at age seven, I find that hard to believe.
G: Yes, well, most people of average intelligence and temperment do. I however, knew by then all that my little country could teach me.
LJ: Speaking of your country, I've never heard of Dookyboodybad, where exactly is it?
G: Ohio.
LJ: Ohio huh?
G: Yes, do you doubt me? Vern grab the gerbils!
LJ: No, no, that won't be neccesary. I just wasn't aware that a separate country existed within the U.S. itself.
G: Most don't. It's quite small you see. Anyway, I headed to Cleveland to seek my densi..err..destiny. I was found by a policman, and taken to an orphanage. If I hadn't been seven, I would have had his...
LJ: Flesh removed with gerbils?
G: No...idiot (he rolls his eyes at me) undying devotion to serve me. Unfortunately, I hadn't yet mastered my mind controlling techniques.
LJ: You have a mind controlling technique?
G: Of course, why else do you think Vern serves me?
LJ: Actually I thought Vern was a homeless guy you picked up somewhere along the way.
G: No he isn't.
LJ: But I swear I used to see him on the way to work. You're sure he wasn't a homeless guy?
G: Of course I'm sure, don't make me slice you in half.
LJ: Slice me in half?!!?
G: With my laser-sword you plebian.
NOTE: "Lord" Gekkak is wearing a tattered business suit, a darth vader helmet, cape, and no less than seven winter coats. He is carrying a plastic lightsaber toy on his hip.
LJ: Of course, sorry. Back to your story.
G: Yes, as I was saying, Gekkak came from humble beginnings. That's me by the way. Gekkak.
LJ: I was aware of that.
G: I was a ward of the state of Ohio until I was Eighteen years old. I went from foster home to foster home, learning the ways of the civilized world, and how to destroy it from the inside.
LJ: Could you give some examples?
G: Well...hmm...I learned that if you didn't go to bed when told, it made adults quite upset. I plan on using that in my campaign of conquest. I also learned that by not eating my vegetables, I could feed them to the family pet, thus altering it's genetic structure making it a flesh eating beast.
LJ: Hence the flesh eating gerbils?
G: Yes, I have no less that five fully carniverous gerbils awaiting their chance to taste flesh. They have been fed nothing but broccoli, and peas for three years.
LJ: How do you know they will eat flesh then?
G: By their greenish tint you fool!
LJ: Of course. I...should've known that. You mentioned something about not going to bed as a part of your plan...could you elaborate on that.
G: I will give to you, the basic idea. I cannot go into too much detail, or my plan could be thwarted.
LJ: Fair enough, go ahead please.
G: Yes, you see, I plan on commandeering a government mind controlling sattelite, and sending message to children....that is all I can tell you.
LJ: I didn't know the government had mind controlling sattelites.
G: Of course they do, it was Vern who pointed it out to me, hence his mind control reflecting helmet.
LJ: He's wearing aluminum foil on his head.
G: To the average person it appears to be only aluminum foil, yes, but to the intiated, it is so much more.
LJ: How do you know it works?
G: Well, Vern serves only me, and no other.
(I look over to see Vern pulling a half-eaten apple out of the garbage can, he starts eating it with great relish)
LJ: So, "Lord" Gekkak, how do you plan on taking over this "Mind-Controlling Sattelite"?
G: Simple really, I have fashioned this! (He holds up what appears to be a bunch of broken circuit boards, and a pair of jumper cables, all held together with duct-tape, and bubble gum.)
LJ: err..pardon my ignorance, but what is that?
G: It is my sattelite orbital communication discombobulator.
LJ: Fascinating...how does it work?
G: You see, I connect these...OUCH!...cable connecter thingies to my index fingers, and point to the sattelite, sending my ultra-powerful mental rays into it. This of course causes it to be bent to my will.
LJ: Of course. Well Gekkak, that's all the time we have for today, can you come back tomorrow at the same time to finish the interview?
G: Let's see....soup kitchen opens at noon...yes I believe it possible.
LJ: Good see you tomorrow then.
G: Vern pull up the mobile control platform.
LJ: Didn't you come here in a radio flyer?
G: Yes..to the untrained eye it looks that way. To throw off suspicion of course.

Tune in tomorrow for more of Gekkaks fascinating story, and insight into his inner workings.

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