Saturday, October 30, 2004

My first week at the Soapbox.

Well Hello there my trusty readers. This Thor the jerky eating dog. I have heard that you all know some things about me already, although why LittleJoe felt the need to tell you about my scrotum, is a mystery. Can't a dog have a little dignity--sigh.

I am beginning to enjoy my tenure at LittleJoes Soapbox, although I must tell you between Harley and Corkscrew the wonder cat, I feel I get very little done in the day. Maybe Little Joe hasn't told you, but I have the softest, fluffiest, most beautiful colleagues in the world. The problem being that they are bitches. They won't even let me sniff their butts, how unreasonable is that? I mean all of you would let me sniff your butts, right? RIGHT?

Anyway, I thought I would let you know how much I am enjoying my new staunchly conservative household. Everyone at the pound were a bunch of howling moonbats (I have learned this word from LittleJoe). There was so much talk of the rights of the liberals, that it really chapped my nuts. (no pun intended). Little Joe says that after the election I will be able to bite and eat any dirty hippie liberals I want, but we don't want to attract any undue attention before that race to the polls.

Any fan mail you would like to send or post, should include a piece of jerky or other such wonderful, tasty, yumminess. And if any of you have any tips on how I can make my move on the beautiful feline colleagues, please let me know, as I am growing weary of being smacked on the nose with their pretty fluffy paws.

This post brought to you by Schnucks beef and gravy dinner and Thor.

Friday, October 29, 2004

A day in the life of....

Littlejoe's soapbox.

Two in the morning, went to bed cuddled with wife and cats, slept.
Four in the morning, latest addition to the staff here decides he needs to go outside. He lets me know with persistent whining....
Six...slather ointment on Thor's infected scrotum, feed him, trick him into eating his medicine by hiding it in a hotdog.
Eightish, play City of Heroes for an hour, die multiple times from sleeping at the keyboard, take nap on couch.
Ten-thirtyish...god-damn incontinent dog...I mean, dog has to go out again, let's me know by bringing me his leash and licking my face til I wake up. Decide it's a good time to walk Thor, we go around the neighborhood, and discover a new park to poop in.
One in the afternoon (that's all it is???), play with cats, stop Thor from eating his little sisters...
Threeish, trick Thor into eating his medicine by hiding it in a hotdog, eat lunch surrounded by animals like doctor fucking Doolittle.
Three-thirtyish, play with Thor, who is now jealous of little sisters. (The cats)
Four-thirty, watch Jeopardy, hoping for Mormon genius to lose.
Five, Thor (who I am now convinced has a bladder problem) has to go out again. He proceeds to pee on his front leg, because he won't raise his leg up high enough to clear it. Sometime around here, I talked to Anathematized1 from invited her over for dinner.
Six, started cooking I think. Life is sort of blurry, and I forgot to take my kiddie-crack this morning. Thor sits at my leg to protect me from the vicious cats, who like to watch me cook.
From six to like nine or so, Anathematized1 was over, it's all so blurry. We ate, we chased the dog with a machete...or..wait, maybe not. Anyway, Patti came home at Ten or so, and ate a late dinner, and we talked about her day, and mine. She went to bed....I have since laid on the couch watching crap I don't remember, trying to sleep.....It's One in the morning now, and Thor has to go out again....damn it. If he wasn't like, the best dog ever, I would let him run for the hills.

This post brought to you by the letter 3, and the number j....motherfucker!

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

My ever expanding staff here at the soapbox!

We here at Littlejoe's soapbox strive to bring you the very best in skewed news coverage, op eds, and human interest stories. In our quest to bring to you the very best and latest news, I, and Corkscrew the Conservative Cat have been searching for more staff members to help with the fabricatio....err...reporting of stories.

We had almost given up hope, when we ran into Harley (or the cat formerly known as Tiny) a few weeks ago. Harley is a featherweight at just 2 pounds, but don't let that fool you! She is a vicious killer of all manner of small insects, fingers, and toes. Also, don't let her age fool you either, even at just 13 weeks old, she is very politically savvy, and closely follows the newswires, and current events, in the hopes of getting a scoop.

We were happy aquiring such a great new addition to the staff here, but we knew we needed more help. So we hunted, and looked around, and found another worthy contributor named Thor. Thor is our oldest staff member besides Littlejoe himself, and at four or five years he is considerably older than our other staffers. Thor is a bone thin (but ever growing!) German Shepard we hired from the local pound. While not as savvy as either of the cats on staff, he brings a certain calmness to things around the Soapbox.

What are their salaries? Someone asked me, well, I pay Harley in doggie treats (don't ask), and Thor works mostly for praise, and fake jerky treats. (A dog after my own heart...jerky...drooool) And of course everyone knows Corkscrew gets paid in canned salmon.

Being so busy with our recruitment, we haven't had alot of time to post anything for a while, well that should be changing here pretty soon.

Please help me in welcoming our tow new staffers, and send along any unwanted salmon...or doggie treats...or jerky.


Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Go to this place, and laugh...or don't. But remember, if you don't you must have a small penis.

Go to this place, and laugh...or don't. But remember, if you don't you must have a small penis.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Clinton good...Bush bad?

Clinton awards Halliburton no-bid contract in Yugoslavia - good
Bush awards Halliburton no-bid contract in Iraq - bad
Clinton spends $77 billion on war in Serbia - good
Bush spends $87 billion in Iraq - bad
Clinton imposes regime change in Serbia - good
Bush imposes regime change in Iraq - bad
Clinton bombs Christian Serbs on behalf of Muslim Albanian terrorists - good
Bush liberates 25 million from a genocidal dictator - bad
Clinton bombs Chinese Embassy - good
Bush bombs terrorist camps - bad
Clinton commits felonies while in office - good
Bush lands on aircraft carrier in flight suit - bad
No mass graves found in Serbia - good
No WMD found in Iraq - bad
Stock market crashes in 2000 under Clinton - good
Economy on upswing under Bush - bad
Clinton refuses to take custody of bin Laden - good
World Trade Centers fall under Bush - bad
Clinton says Saddam has nukes - good
Bush says Saddam has nukes - bad
Clinton calls for regime change in Iraq - good
Bush imposes regime change in Iraq - bad
Terrorist training in Afghanistan under Clinton - good
Bush destroys training camps in Afghanistan - bad
Milosevic not yet convicted - good
Saddam turned over for trial - bad

Interesting isn't it?

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

The soundtrack of my life.

Wow, I have been neglecting posting here. I will start to remedy this by posting a request from Graumagus over at
Track 1: "Leader of Men", Nickelback.
This tune just hits me in a very personal spot. Both for the lyrics, and the time in my life when I discovered them.

Track 2: "Angels Son", Sevendust.
What a great song! It chokes me up when I hear it, and it reminds that I wasn't always a good man. But it also helps me to realize that life is short, and you need to live it hard!

Track 3: "Sober", Tool.
This is one of the greatest songs ever. Period. I discovered Tool while I was living in San Francisco, and needed some kind of anchor in my life. This song wasn't it, but it sure reminds me of that time.

Track 4: "Word Up", Cameo (recently remade by Korn of all people.)
This song is just too cool to not be on my soundtrack. I imagine it would be my travelling song.

Track 5: "Remedy", Jason Mraz
I know this one will shock my friends, but it is such an interesting tune. It reminds me of trying to help everyone, while ignoring myself.

Track 6: "Youth Gone Wild", Skid Row.
I know they suck, but this song is ok, AND it is very remiscent of my younger years.

Track 7: "I've been everywhere man.", Johnny Cash.
I have been to ALOT of places. I love Johnny Cash, 'nuff said.

Track 8: "Crazy", Seal.
Like this needs an explanation.

Track 9: "Even in his youth", Nirvana.
This is one of those, "yeah that hits close to home" songs.

Track 10: "Blue on Black", Kenny Wayne Sheppard.
Everyone needs one grinding bluesy song in their life. This one would be mine.

Track 11: "Sin", Stone Stemple Pilots.
I do. I like it sometimes. I claim this song for Norway. (no not Kenya)

Track 12: "Plush", Stone Temple Pilots.
My buddy Jay and I used to use this as a theme song. It just works for us.

Track 13: "Baby got Back", Sir Mix-a-Lot.

Track 14: "The Biggest and the Best", Clawfinger.
When I was training for wrestling, this was my theme song/motivational speech.

Track 15: "Backwater", The Meat Puppets.
The lyrics,
"Some things, will never change.
In the Backwater swirling there are somethings that will never change.
May seem, rearranged.
In the backwater swirling there are some things that'll never change."
This is one of those songs that has a great musical hook, and great lyrics. It fits me well.