Friday, August 26, 2005

Children's Books that never were.

1. You Are Different and That's Bad

2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

3. Dad's New Wife Bruce

4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share

5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking

7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her

8. Curious George and the Rotweilers

9. All Cats Go to Hell

10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched

11. Some Kittens Can Fly.

12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption

13. Grandpa Gets a Casket

14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

17. Strangers Have the Best Candy

18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

19. You Were an Accident

20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games

22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan

23. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?

24. Used Toilet Paper and Your Babysitter

24. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

25. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

And now, some obviouser comedy!

Winners of the "Worst Analogies ever Written in a high school Essay" Contest:

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was like a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like, "Second Tall Man."

He spoke with the wisdom than can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those little boxes with a pinhole in it.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene has an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Bob was perplexed as a hacker who means to access\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary never met. They were like two hummingbirds that had also never met.

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during a storm scene in a play.

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

...and my very favorite:

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

Thursday, August 18, 2005


So I started going to church a couple weeks ago. It was this little place up the road called "The First Korean National Church". It's beautiful, with stained glass, and wonderful architechture. They sing such pretty songs, and are so passionate about their faith. I felt very alive, and connected while there. In fact after the second week of services, God himself started talking to me. That's right, God speaks to me folks! It is amazing.

Unfortunately for me, I don't speak Korean.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

littlejoe is happy, sad, and contemplative.

I was considering not posting this. Then I remembered that I don't care what anyone thinks anyway.

I went on a date today. That's right, a date. I have had a profile on one of the dating type websites out there for awhile, and thoroughly ignored every broad that wrote me an e-mail, or otherwise showed interest. Mostly because I didn't think I was ready for that sort of thing yet. I still don't know if I am, but I had fun today.

Thirty year old school art teacher, red and blond hair, blue eyes, curvalicious, and very very sweet. Only 5'3", so I sat alot. This is the first woman I have ever met that is entertained by the same things I am, she quotes the movies I quote, and knew the cartoon references that I knew. She even knows what trogdor is for gosh sake. I couldn't stop smiling for the entire date.

Then guilt, regret, and heartbreak came back. Why?? Because I haven't moved on from Patti yet. Most days I am over it, and there isn't a second thought. Today I was so happy all day, and then after the date ended, and I came home, I emotionally crashed. I am still pretty happy and excited. I am still eager for the next date. (God willing there is one of course)

More than anything else though, I am thinking, and praying, and the thoughts aren't sucky at all. I have had to pray for my ex-wife, because I was holding on to resentments that I didn't need. I have prayed for my father, who is dying. I have prayed for my family, and friends. I do this every day. However, when I pray for myself, I ask God to give me guidance, and to allow me the opportunity to do his will in my life, because when I was in charge things got really fucked up. I don't pray to feel happy, and I don't pray to win the lottery, I pray to do the next correct thing by him. (Or her, or it if you rather) The point here is, I think God is giving me a chance to have a little joy again, and my self-will is trying to destroy it before it can happen.

This has been more emotional vomit from littlejoe.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Music posting.

Hey, does anyone know where I can get freehosting for a couple of MP3 files? I finally figured out how to record my guitar into the computer, and would like to post a couple things for yall. Thanks for any help!

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

I want weird referals on google, therefore.....


I Don't Care.

I Don't Care.
As sung, written, and other fancy stuff by me.

I prayed today, just for pain.
For a reason to be down.
I stayed away, while I prayed.
I just want to be the clown.

Everything I ever did.
Every little sin.
I would take it back for you.

All the heartache fear, and pain.
And the anger and the shame.
Maybe guilt with get me through.

Was it wrong,
All along?
Am I gone,
or going strong?
I don't care.

I'll fade away, gone today.
No more reason to be cruel.
Always late, delay, one more day.
To be taken for a fool.

Every moment that I breath.
All the things it meant to me.
I gave it up for you.

All the heartache, fear and pain.
All the anger and the shame.
Maybe guilt will see me through.

Am I wrong?
Gone too long...
Am I gone,
or going strong?
I don't care.

I prayed today, that I take.
One more step to get to you.
Afraid, to stay, one more day.
Apathy can make it true.