littlejoe is happy, sad, and contemplative.

I was considering not posting this. Then I remembered that I don't care what anyone thinks anyway.

I went on a date today. That's right, a date. I have had a profile on one of the dating type websites out there for awhile, and thoroughly ignored every broad that wrote me an e-mail, or otherwise showed interest. Mostly because I didn't think I was ready for that sort of thing yet. I still don't know if I am, but I had fun today.

Thirty year old school art teacher, red and blond hair, blue eyes, curvalicious, and very very sweet. Only 5'3", so I sat alot. This is the first woman I have ever met that is entertained by the same things I am, she quotes the movies I quote, and knew the cartoon references that I knew. She even knows what trogdor is for gosh sake. I couldn't stop smiling for the entire date.

Then guilt, regret, and heartbreak came back. Why?? Because I haven't moved on from Patti yet. Most days I am over it, and there isn't a second thought. Today I was so happy all day, and then after the date ended, and I came home, I emotionally crashed. I am still pretty happy and excited. I am still eager for the next date. (God willing there is one of course)

More than anything else though, I am thinking, and praying, and the thoughts aren't sucky at all. I have had to pray for my ex-wife, because I was holding on to resentments that I didn't need. I have prayed for my father, who is dying. I have prayed for my family, and friends. I do this every day. However, when I pray for myself, I ask God to give me guidance, and to allow me the opportunity to do his will in my life, because when I was in charge things got really fucked up. I don't pray to feel happy, and I don't pray to win the lottery, I pray to do the next correct thing by him. (Or her, or it if you rather) The point here is, I think God is giving me a chance to have a little joy again, and my self-will is trying to destroy it before it can happen.

This has been more emotional vomit from littlejoe.