Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Who am I?

I have been in a deep depression so long that I can't even remember what I used to be like. I know I enjoyed life alot more, and I was able to communicate without being vitriolic. But in the last year, I have grown steadily more angry and irritated.
At first I thought it was just politically motivated, and while it's true that the barking moonbats on the left DO piss me off, that can't explain away everything I feel. I am alienating most people that I hold dear in my life, and that makes me sad. I don't feel that communicating to them is in my best interest because I lose my temper at the most inane things.
Right now, I am glad to be having a moment of clarity, maybe my meds are finally working, maybe the planets are aligned in my favor. Who knows? All I can say is, I wish the old me would rear his head. Not the me from before I got sober, just the me from a little over a year ago. It's frustrating not being able to work, or leave the house alone because I'm afraid I will pass out and someone will call an ambulance. I need that like I need another hole in my head. Some of my family is no better, they freak out when I pass out, and I understand that they care about me, and worry. But damn. I have been doing this for over a year, and it's really become just, well, normal for me.
I love my family, and my friends, and I want to see them more, but I tend to lock myself up in this prison of an apartment for fear of having one of my "episodes" around them.
I used to be fairly independant, and self-reliant, but now, I find myself in this personal hell of having to rely on other people for alot of things I used to take for granted. I can't drive myself anywhere, this makes things doubly worse. There was a time when I used to go driving just to clear my head, and refresh myself, that time is now taken from me, ripped away by a medical condition that five experts can't pinpoint.
I know what depressed people SHOULD do to alleviate some of the symptoms of depression, but I have trouble motivating myself to do more than go from bed to couch. I wish..well hell, maybe that's my problem, I wish instead of do.
One of the main reasons I started this blog was to get this pent up bullshit out of my system, and vent to the ether. Ah, well, I think I'll step off the soapbox for now, and go play Jedi Academy.


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