Wednesday, June 16, 2004

I love

Stung by criticism that his Iraq policy is either incoherent or indistinguishable from the current administration's, presumptive Democratic nominee John Kerry picked firebrand, anti-American cleric Moqtada al-Sadr as his Vice-Presidential running mate. The move, which shocked the American public and befuddled Constitutional scholars, is expected to help Kerry solidify both the anti-war and radical-cleric voting blocks.

Jane Fonda, Kerry's newly-appointed spokesperson, said that the pairing "was only natural-John needed a running mate to help emphasize those statements that he made against the war over those that he made for it. John has been very impressed with al-Sadr's anti-Bush campaign in Iraq, and it is our belief that a Kerry/al-Sadr ticket will finally help to bring stability to that region, and ours."

The announcement set Washington abuzz. Rumors began to circulate that Moqtada al-Sadr may have cheated on his third wife with his fourth, and that his fatwa against Coalition Provisional Authority head Paul Bremer may have been obtained illegally. The air was so thick with rumors of al-Sadr's connection to oil money that Halliburton president B. L. Zebub was forced to issue a statement denying a connection between the radical cleric and the evil oil consulting company.

When asked for comment, a spokesman for al-Sadr said that the cleric would "wipe is ass with your satanic Constitution, spit on your legal institutions, and obliterate congress." Further, the spokesman said that al-Sadr's goals for his first 100 days in office are "to turn the Washington Monument into a mosque, nuke Israel, and make Hillary Clinton his fifth wife."


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