Tuesday, June 28, 2005

A letter to President Bush: Precision Guided Humor Assignment

Dear President Bush,

I propose a new cabinet post be installed in the white house, and that this post be given a staff of highly trained, highly motivated personnel to handle asinine, irrelevent, or just plain stupid questions from the press.
This new position would be called the Secretary of Keepin’ it Real. His or her staff would consist mostly of ninjas, however, they would also have several other specialists to handle unique situations.
Below you will see some examples of where the Secretary of Keepin’ it Real’s job would be vital for not just national security, but also for the mental health of those who are forced to sit through countless interviews with media types who have agendas that run contrary to common sense.

Example 1:

Social Security is privatized, the conservatives won a great victory for the good of all citizens. The main stream media (MSM for short), are shocked, and are still trying to spin this in the liberals favor.

Reporter for the NYT,
“Mr. President, is it not true that by privatizing social security you have essentially yanked the rug out from under middle class citizens, forcing them to support the stock market when in fact it is the upper class who will benefit from these changes?”

Before the appointment of a Secretary of Keepin’ it Real, you Mr. President, would have had to answer this question yet again. You would of course try to remain polite because you have class, but when it came time to print, you would be portrayed as callous, and indifferent to the plight of middle class America.
With your new cabinet position in place, the scene plays out more like this.

“....upper class who will benefi...” The reporter stops mid sentence, a small dart sticking out his neck. His eyes roll up into his head, and his tongue swells until it cuts off his air supply, causing a slow, horrifying death.
The remaining MSM look around for the source of the NYT reporter’s distress, and see nothing but a flitting shadow at the exit to the room. They all know that somehow, you have silenced the moron, but they are not sure how, and start framing their questions in a more respectful, well thought out manner.

Example 2:

Osama Bin Laden is finally captured, and brought before a military tribunal. His crimes against our nation about to be reconciled. There have been allegations that your white house has had him hidden away somewhere until a politically convenient time to trot him forth.

MSNBC correspondent,
“Mr. President, isn’t it true that you have known the whereabouts of Mr. Bin Laden for almost two whole years, but decided not to act on this knowledge until now, hoping to use this surge in popularity to push through several key ultra-conservative judicial nominations?”

The correspondent suddenly lurches forward, a short straight bladed sword sticking from her chest. As everyone screams and panics, there is a flash and a puff of smoke, the SOKIR (secretary of keepin’ it real) stands on the podium, smirking smugly.

“There will be no further questions until we sort out what has happened here. This tragedy will not go uninvestigated, and this breach in security will be rooted out.”

For weeks, different news programs examine their taping of the event, and none can find any evidence of who or what stabbed the MSNBC correspondent. Her family starts raising speculations that the Bush “regime” is responsible, but they disappear soon afterward, victims of an apparent, unfortunate toaster accident.

Example 3:

Vice President Dick Cheney is making an appearance on Meet the Press, Tim Russert, always looking to belittle a conservative guest, has asked a series of questions that essentially ammount to the same thing.

Russert,
“Is it not true though, that in the course of going to war, oil revenue from Iraq has been mentioned as one of the prime motivating factors? The money would be astounding.”

Cheney looks smugly at Russert,
“Are you threatening me Mr. Russert?”
He rises from his chair, and his hand makes a clawed shape as lightening streaks forth, striking the chunky pompous reporter.
The lightening stops suddenly, and Russert writhes, moaning.
“My friends in the media won;t let you get away with this.”
Cheney smiles sickly, as he pulls a black hood up over his head,
“I find your disrespectful attitude troubling Mr Russert. You will soon find that the media is mistaken about a great many things!”
Lightening again streaks forth from his fingers, the air is filled with the smell of ozone, and roasted pork. The smoldering remains of the host of Meet the Press lay at Dart...er Dick Cheney’s feet. He addresses the camera,
“There seems to have been an unfortunate accident here, pray there are no further accidents.”
He turns on his heel and strides through the studio door. Interns, and camera people jumping out of his way. As he leaves, a man dressed in black from head to toe steps out from behind a potted plant in the studio. The sword sheath on his back gleams in the hot lights, he pulls out a small communication device.
“Man, I guess Dar..err..Mr. Cheney can handle his own stupid questions. I will have to report my failure to the SOKIR. I only hope he will find it in his heart to forgive me.”
Sitting in a darkened Oval Office, President Bush is meeting with several ninjas about the effectiveness of the newly appointed SOKIR.
“But Mr President, one question sir, If I may?”
Bush nods, and smiles to the man, calming his nerves.
“None of us has ever met our boss, the Secretary of Keepin’ It Real. We are all wondering who our boss is..really?”
Bush inhales as if to answer, and the door bursts open. Standing there, with a bright light behind him is none other than Chris Rock. He smiles at his men, and says simply,
“I keeps it real!”

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