Thursday, June 23, 2005

I just turned four...does this mean I can't enjoy naked women anymore?

There's a shadow just behind me, shrouding every step I take, making every promise empty, pointing every finger at me. Waiting like a stalking butler who upon the finger rests. Murder now the path called must we just before the son has come. Jesus, won't you fucking whistle something but the past and done? Why can't we not be sober? I just want to start this over. Why can't we drink forever. I just want to start things over. I am just a worthless liar. I am just an imbecile. I will only complicate you. Trust in me and fall as well. I will find a center in you. I will chew it up and leave, I will work to elevate you just enough to bring you down. Trust me. Mother Mary won't you whisper something but what's past and done. Trust me. I want what I want.

Another fine song by Tool that really hits home when I listen to it. Not only does it describe the way I used to be in a general way, it also came out during a fucked up time in my life.

Today, I have four years sober, and as is my custom, I am going to get a tattoo this weekend. I am not sure what I am getting yet, but you can bet it will have to do with rebirth, and/or the sun.

I don't know what to say about being clean for four years, I don't take a great deal of personal pride in it because I know that if I was the one calling the shots (so to speak) I would be drunk or dead. I am happy about it, I like not being controlled by a disease that I have seen destroy so much. Even while I was not drinking, drugging, or using people I fell victim to addiction. My marriage fell apart because of it ( and many other factors), but I can say in all honesty, that I am grateful to be an alcoholic today. I am grateful that experience has made me wiser, and a great deal stronger. Today, I can honestly say I like myself, and not only that, but that I have some clue as to who I am. I don't have to pretend to be something I am not just for the approval of others. I have hope now, I have aspirations, and above all...I have my faith. Without being an alcoholic, and without experiencing everything I have, I wouldn't have any of that. I can tell you now that I accept everything as it is, I may not like some things, but I can accept them, and move on.

I want to thank all of you who read this who have been there for me, and those of you, who unknowingly have saved my life.

One more thing before I go play some bass, and wrustle up some vittles...
I can't wait to see what this next year brings me!


At 23/6/05 10:56 AM, Blogger Graumagus said...

Looking forward to seeing your new tat, man.

As long as the tittie bars serve coke, we can always enjoy the nekkid ladies :)

At 23/6/05 11:41 AM, Anonymous assrot said...

Keep on doing it man. It gets better every year. I thought I was the worst drunk there ever was. I can remember hearing people saying they had 1,2,3,4 or however many years sober at meetings and thinking that I would never make it. By the Grace of God, I now have 18 years. Its been hard at times but it is much better than anytime I had while drunk. Good luck and keep coming back.

At 23/6/05 12:18 PM, Blogger Contagion said...

Congrats on four years! I have a mentoree laying bruised and bleeding on the floor next to their desk just so I could get on here and congratulate you.

If you think I'm kidding... well I might be slightly over exagerating, but I have stolen a mentoree's desk at least!

If you are looking for a suggestion on a tat, may I humbly suggest possibly the Celtic Tree of Life?

At 23/6/05 1:03 PM, Blogger VW said...

Good going! I am happy to hear you celebrate such a hard earned victory!

At 23/6/05 1:55 PM, Anonymous Bou said...

Congrats, LJ. It's a tough road I have watched many people take.

I want to see the Tat as I evidently missed last years picture. Hmm... perhaps I will troll though Last June's archives.

At 23/6/05 6:09 PM, Anonymous Teresa said...

Congratulations! That is very cool.

At 23/6/05 6:35 PM, Blogger littlejoe said...

Thank you all so very much...

At 23/6/05 7:09 PM, Anonymous Bulldog said...

Congratulations, LittleJoe. Beating an addiction is never easy. It just takes setting your mind to quitting the addiction, a lot of help, and a little luck don't hurt either.

At 23/6/05 8:28 PM, Blogger Tammi said...

I tried to comment this morning, but everything just came out wrong.

Good for you LittleJoe. It's a tough road to hoe, but you're setting a great pace.

Can't wait to see the new tat...hmmmm maybe another cookout this summer!!!!


At 24/6/05 4:35 PM, Blogger KTreva said...

Congratulations! I'm happy you are the person you are now and glad that you are still around.

At 25/6/05 12:40 PM, Anonymous Sissy said...

Good job! I'm very happy for you.

And yes, I want to see the new tat too! I'm going to go through your archives so I can see your 3rd one too!


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