Thursday, December 30, 2004

One of the very few things I am afraid of is....

Hello all my loyal readers.

SOme of you who are reading this know me personally, some of you don't. Those that do will know that my father is one of my favorite people in world, warts and all. ( I hate that expression by the way.) I am afraid for him. J.D., as he likes to be called, has found himself back in the hospital, and it is my fear that he is going to be there until he passes away. I just have this feeling.

My father hasn't always been what people would call "nice", but that's only because they see the gruff and tough show he puts on for others. In truth, he is one of the nicest, sweetest people I have ever known. Of course he used to smack me around when I was a jackass. I deserved that, and it was mostly because I caused undue stress to my mother. Someone who my father has been devoted to for over fifty years. He has also taught me everything you need to know about being a man. And I don't mean all this tough-guy, hardass bullshit either. J.D. was never afraid to show affection to his children, and he has always been proud of having a large brood. He has shown me that in order to achieve anything, you have to work for it. You don't take shortcuts, (unless driving) and you always do your best, because a half-assed job will always have your name on it. He taught me that pain shouldn't hold you back, and that sometimes life hurts and won't give you a break. I learned these things not from his words necesarily, although some things were spoken, but mostly from his actions. There are so many other things, that I just don't have space to enumerate here.

My father has always done anything he can to help somebody out, or to provide for his children. Often going without just so we could have things we wanted. I look back a little guiltily at times for the things I did have growing up. We weren't rich, but I never went without anything. He could fix a meal that would make people literally beg to come over and eat, and he did it on a shoestring budget. To this day, my friends will truly fight over eating the last meatball, which he taught me to make.

My father lived everyday in pain. He has broken almost every bone in his body. He fell from a roof he was working on, and had a tanker truck back over his legs immediately afterwards. He has been struck by lightning, and had hot asphalt (tar) blow up and cover his upper body. Hell, on his seventh birthday, he was run over by a car, and shattered his arm, among other injuries and could have died. The doctors wanted to amputate, but my Nana wouldn't let them. She knew my father would pull through it, because he was a tough son of a bitch. On top of all the aching from old injuries, he also has arthritis, and two fake knees. Until his stroke, none of this stopped him from doing the things he did.

The whole point of this post though, was to tell you one the very few things I am afraid of. Well, J.D. is one of those things, not because he can be pretty damn scary when he's pissed, or because he was one of the strongest men I have ever seen. No. But because I was afraid of being a disappointment to him.

I love my father very much, and the thought of losing him before I make him proud is one of the things I am very afraid of.

21 Comments:

At 30/12/04 5:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Joe JD is and will be always proud of you,as he is of all of us.You some of the crap ive pulled and he is proud of me,as he is of all his kids(but especially Tina)any way I know for a fact that hes proud of you
Ty

 
At 30/12/04 9:48 PM, Blogger Graumagus said...

Anything you need, man, anything don't hesitate to ask. JD is like an uncle to me (like Dee is an aunt).
You guys are closer to me than the majority of my blood kin. Even if I don't see you nearly as often as I'd like.

I know exactly how you feel. You know all the bullshit I put my folks through, and even though they love me and forgave me I still haven't stopped ragging myself for not being able to fix it before my mom passed away.

J.D. is still here. Talk with him. Get everything out now.
I'll have an ice pack waiting for you after he smacks you upside the head for thinking he's disappointed in you :)

 
At 31/12/04 10:57 AM, Blogger Contagion said...

Grau's right, man. I don't really know your Dad, but if there's anything you need, even if it's just letting the animals out and making sure their fed, don't hesitate to ask.

And seriously, I don't see how you could be a disappointment to your father. You are a respectable member of the community, loyal to your wife, work with troubled kids, etc. Maybe you're just comparing yourself to an impossible goal like most kids are want to do when trying to measure up to their parents.

 
At 1/1/05 8:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Joe,
My heart aches for you and your Father. My prayers will certainly be with you guys.
I don't really know you all that well, but I know you enough to know that you are a class act, someone that would make his father proud.

- Cheepdogg

 
At 2/1/05 11:17 AM, Blogger KTreva said...

I know you well enough to say that you have really made a difference in peoples lives. You are certainly not a disappointment to your father.

 
At 2/1/05 9:39 PM, Blogger Bulldog said...

LittleJoe,

We definitely don't see eye to eye on all things political, but on this, my heart goes out to you. I, too, have felt like so much of a disappointment to my Dad, especially growing up. Never wanted to do the things he did. He likes to fish, I prefer to hike. He worked on cars, I preferred to play video games(then) or work on computers(now). However, the day that breaks my heart the most, is the day I basically blackmailed my Dad into signing the authorization forms to allow me to join the Marines at 17. But I tell you this, to this day, my Dad has never been more proud of his #1 Son. I'm sure your dad feels the same way. Life is tough, but when it is, you buckle down and work your ass off to get through. Nothing worth having in this life comes easy. At least it shouldn't.

Let your Dad know how you feel regardless of whether it's not manly to show emotion or not. And whether you choose to believe it or not, the very fact that you work hard, love your wife, are an honest man(from what I can tell), and are a productive member of society, is all that a father can ask for. You'd be surprised though, at just HOW proud he really is of you.

Bulldog/YHK

 
At 3/1/05 10:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can remember coming down to your house after coming back from back surgery when I was 16. I was gone for about 2 weeks. Your mom and JD hugged me that day like I was one of their own and would not let me go to your room until I told them everything I had been thru.
They are special people amigo and I have always thought of them as such. They opened their homes and fridge to all of us. I think all of us are better people because they are part of our lives.
Jay

 
At 16/3/05 3:30 PM, Anonymous Johnny Mack said...

I don't know you or your father but I can relate. My father passed away in 1990 and i'd do anything to have just one more day with him.

Good luck to you and your father. I hope he pulls through.

 
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