Monday, May 16, 2005

Let the rant begin!

Man, I swear if I am not posting stupid jokes, I am puking my emotional guts out on here. Guess which one this is going to be?

Today, I was talking to my Jay, we got to talking about this garage sle he was selling his baseball cards at. The conversation was going nicely, and then I did something stupid. I asked him a question I shouldn't have asked him, about something that is really none of my business.

The kicker here, is that the garage sale was at my ex-sister-in-laws house.

One of the things I have learned during my stint in sobriety is that what other people think of me is none of my business. Compliments, and insults have the same moral weight. It isn't that anyone was bad talking me that bugs me. It is to be expected, especially considering the source of the talking. My ex-sister-in-law and I have never seen eye to eye on much. We remained civil for the most part, but never "liked" each other. Both of us used to be horrible gossipy types, but the difference is I have tried to stop being that way.

Anyway, the thing that has me bothered is that, while my friend was there, she, and another wonderful human being who she calls a friend would go right next to Jay, and start talking some shit about my ex, and her recent trip to Florida with her other sister and "friend". To know why this bugs me, you have to know that I used to be very jealous, and still can be. If I am IN a relationship with someone. I'm insecure as hell about relationships. Always have been.

With that knowledge, the friend and sister kept trying to insinuate something about her friend being a guy or something, I don't know. I really ( and this is the truth) don't care. If the ex has found someone who makes her happy, well, good. I only hope I get that lucky later on. What pisses me off, is the "fourteen year old" manipulation of trying to use my friend to somehow hurt me. The subject matter they were trying to hurt me with is actually laughable. I am only glad he chose to be the bigger man in this case.

My ex and I have been civil through this whole divorce/separation process, and I plan on remaining so, if I ever have to interact with her. It is just the childish stabs at my ego (which used to be huge even with NO self-esteem) that bother me. I mean, seriously, I don't go out my way to hurt other people, and this was an obvious attempt to get under my skin through someone very close to me. It worked for a little while, but not for the reasons they thought it would.

I had to write this out, because I really wasn't sure what I was feeling, but it was ugly, and unhealthy. In writing it out, I think I have let go of it. I guess I have some praying to do.

Regardless of what was said, or implied, I wish my ex the best, and will continue to. I also forgive these two for trying to hurt me, it is how some people deal with things. I probably deserve that, and more. I have never claimed to have been a good husband. Neither does the ex claim to have been the perfect wife. I was a dishonest, nasty, angry man. Thankfully I was never a violent person. The only things I know for sure today, is that things will work out exactly how they are supposed to, and that I was never promised a pain free life.

Thank you for reading,

Joe


P.S. The lesson here is, what other people say, or think about you is none of your business.

11 Comments:

At 17/5/05 9:37 AM, Blogger Contagion said...

I'm glad your being the bigger man about this. It does sound rather juvinile.

 
At 17/5/05 8:35 PM, Blogger Graumagus said...

1) What Contagion said. I've known you longer than almost anyone and it makes me glad to see you not holding grudges like you used to.
2) Jay had to sell his baseball cards?? Dude, that sucks. At least I know he won't let himself get raped on them, the guy can quote obscure card pices out of thin air without a guide....

 
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