Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Blogfodder, introverts, and the perfect beard.

Well now loyal readers, it has come to my attention that several people have been writing about the fateful blogmeet of May 7th, 2005. I am slightly disturbed by this, as I thought it was a "what happens here, stays here kind of thing", but since the blabbers have blabbed, let me tell tell you how it really went down.

Contagion, and myself drove into the wonderful town of Boondocks, Illinois. My first impression was the smell of ass, and butter. I still think it was Contagion having a little pre-meeting people nervous gas, but he denied it. We entered this beautiful, rustic(holeinthewall) establishment, and I swear the jukebox skipped, and everyone turned to look at us. I could see the bloodlust in the eyes of the regulars, and knew enough to cautiously make my way toward the back, where the socially unacceptable bloggers would inevitably be.

Let me preface my descriptions of the people and account given here with a simple statement:
The rest of the people posting about this event are degenerates, and wouldn't recognize the truth if it smacked them upside their heads. I would never lie to you, my readers, just to make my story more entertaining. It goes against my journalistic integrity.

As I made my way past the horde of (possibly) well-armed locals, I spotted Grau's sometimes mate Harvey leaping from his chair to greet us. At this point I knew the natives were harmless. I mean seriously, if Harvey could be here, unharmed, I knew I would be OK. My guard relaxed a little, I still decided to sit with an easy route to the door, if only because I was wary of the people I was here to meet.

I will give you my impressions of these assorted bloggers as they were made upon me in a list format:

1. T1g is an interesting fellow who is self deprecating to the point of destructiveness. I was thouroughly impressed with his ability to have the perfect comment (albeit under his breath) for everything. We hit it off, and bullshitted for most of the afternoon/evening. I would have had his back in the event the natives got restless. I did notice however, that EVERYONE knew him at this establishment. Another thing about T1g is that "drunken-wisdom" is a perfect blog name for him. The more he drank, the more Yoda/Confucious-like he became.

2. Tammi is a cheerleader/punkrocker/lady of the mattress. One of the first things she said in my vicinity was something about work, and beds, and well, you know what THAT means. She has an innate ability to draw attention to herself, and then set herself up for (really bad)witty quips. An interesting thing about Tammi, she kept threatening to beat people up. I'm not of the inspiration for this, but I think it may have been the fact that she wasn't the prettiest girl at the table, which brings us to number three.

3 Harvey. What can be said about Harvey that hasn't already been published in IQ. (That's inmates quarterly.) He likes long walks, cigars, hairy asses, and tits tattoed on the backs of his "bitches". He's the perfect man-around-the block. I was impressed with his almost complete omission of anything remotely bloggable. However, I did get the distinct impression that he "liked" sitting next to Contagion. There were times I couldn't see hands, and they were both smiling, draw your own conclusion. Aside from his witty commentary, and blind devotion to IMAO, what sticks out most about Harvey is his beard. Never in my life, and I mean never, have I seen such a meticulously groomed man. I think he has added to the world of retrosexuality, is a what not to do list. This is a beard of legend. A perfect jawline, even in every aspect, the cheek line was no less impressive. His beard is what Grau's would be.... if Grau were a chick.

4. TNT, or Harvey's (way...way) better half as I see it. She seemed to me to be an observer of people, or maybe just hugely introverted, I am not sure. I did notice that she never missed anyone's smartassed comments, and towards the end of the evening, I could see the wheels turning on how to kill everyone, extricate herself, and still collect Harvey's insurance money. There was one point I thought she was going to actually remove his finger from his hand because he said something insane, like "I love you", or "thanks", or something like that.

5. Teresa was the one to watch this evening. When she wasn't ploting with TNT on how to join in her plot to kill us, she busied herself with stories about her children. I believe this was an attempt to disarm us, and make us less able to defend ourselves. Or maybe she's just proud of her kids, I'm not entirely sure. Another observer of people, she spent alot of time with her jaw on the table thanks to some of the stories being told throughout the evening.

6. Contagion is one paranoid sum'bitch. I have known him many years, and forget that when around new people, he is not exactly...umm...cooth. A great guy all around however once you know him a little bit, and a better friend one could not ask for.

7. Me. I got caught up in what I call "pretty-girl syndrome". It's where there are attractive women near me, and I can't speak coherently, or about anything that I would call sane.

That's my impression of the people from the blogmeet. Remember, I wouldn't lie to you, but I would sell you icewater in the arctic. =)


At 10/5/05 8:29 PM, Blogger Graumagus said...

"His beard is what Grau's would be.... if Grau were a chick."

Bwhahahahahahahah ahh ahhh fuck man, I'm laughing so hard I can barely breathe....

I think that quote should go on Harv's sidebar....

At 10/5/05 11:24 PM, Blogger That 1 Guy said...

Yeah, Grau. His description of Harvey killed me... not that the others were bad. But he's nailed the guy.

At 11/5/05 7:27 AM, Blogger Contagion said...

Excellent description of Harvey's facial Hair.

And yours might be the most accurate description of them all.

Also, I'm not cooth even when I knew the people. It's less fun.

At 11/5/05 9:28 AM, Anonymous Teresa said...

Hah - it worked.... Tammi, TNT, and I have MUCH more important plans than taking over one small table of bloggers... Just you wait and see. *grin*

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