Sunday, August 01, 2004

Man, I AM a prick. OR Men are from mars, women are from ..who the fuck knows?

The wife and I had one fuck of a fight this evening. Not a nice argument, not a little venting. This was one of those times when I am ashamed to be me, I screamed, called her something horrible, threw a lighter into a candle across a room, reinjuring my arm in the proccess. I don't like being scary. We both were going to leave at one point.

Thankfully, we were able to talk after a while. I hate fighting with my wife, I love her so dearly, and she is everything to me. At this point in my life, I can guarantee I would not be here typing this if she was not a part of it.

What could make you so angry Joe? Why yell at and scare this treasure in your life?

Easy answer, I am a prick.

Less easy answer....well...I felt turned against. I know it sounds stupid even typing it. But it doesn't feel so stupid inside me. Anyone who has read this blog for any ammount of time, knows I am in a year and a half long depression, and I have considerable medical ills. Part of my depression is an overreaction to simple things. (Why couldn't I just be a cryer for gods sake?) I get angry over nothing, things that would've only slightly annoyed me in the past however, make me livid. I live in a perpetual state of frustration. And sometimes, I CRAVE physical pain, to let me feel something new for a change.

Today was supposed to be a happyfunday, and it was up to a point. That point being a disagreement with one of the wife's friends. I consider any friend of my wife as a friend by proxy, but sometimes I just get fucking annoyed. I didn't WANT to argue, but it was like I couldn't stop myself.

No problem right? Why be angry at the wife?

Well, she decided to (in my eyes) side with her friend over me. If it was something where I could have been wrong I could understand, but in this case it seemed the friend in question was pushing my buttons on purpose just to see the freak show, so to speak. I felt as though I wasn't supposed to have an opinion. When my wife defended said friends actions, I internalized a whole mess of rage, and went on my merry way.

Just to let you know, I have been holding a resentment for a month or so against the wife, and another friend for seeming to think that any opinion I have is flippant, and/or going to be followed by a loud rant in public. This is not the case usually, but you fuck up once and it mars your reputation for eternity. That came to a head (inside of me anyway) when I was going to make a joke about the industry that has popped up around Bush bashing, which I never finished because of the "Oh Gawd!" from friend, and rolled eyes from wife.

Honestly, I don't care what my wife's friends think of me, they are after all HER friends, not mine. (Even if I consider them so) But with my friends, you can joke around about anything. Not so with hers. That's fine, really, the only person whose opinion really matters to me is my wife's. Tnat's why this hurt so much, I felt betrayed. I would never side with anyone against my wife, that's just a simple fact. Whether she's wrong or right I got her back. I just feel like that isn't the case when it's reversed. Yeah that's probably my issue to deal with, but fuck...I can't deal with paint mixing the wrong way, and video games not going how I want them.

So in here is a lesson, and a question. What's the lesson? That's simple, as any good AAer will tell you, resentments lead to problems. Let go and let god. (Or whatever your higher power happens to be) I need to go to some meetings, and get my bearings.

The question is more difficult to ask. I don't even know how to put it. I know I overeacted, I know I am probably to blame for this blowing out of proportion. Those are easy for me. Harder it is to ask, AM I at ALL justified for being angry? Am I just being a whiny little bitch about this? Please, be blunt, tell me what you think. Ask for details, and I might even send them to you via E-Mail just so you can help me figure this shit out.


At 1/8/04 11:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmmm... here's the only real problem in the way I'm seeing it so far:

That basically (at least in this case) in saying "My wife should always get my back," you're essentially saying "My wife should always agree with me."
Aka "My wife should not have her own opinion."

And that could very likely be how she took it, too - being one of the catalists of the arguement.

Do you guys get into a pissing match every time she doesn't agree with an opinion of yours? (I mean, you guys are married. I'm sure you have disagreements all the damned time.)
If not, then why did there have to be one just because her differing opinion happened to be the same as her friend's?

If this was about some life-altering event I could see getting heated about it (for example, the wife coming home and saying "Hey honey, I just got a new job and we're moving to Wyoming. Just to let you know.") but for something like a political opinion? Probably should have let it slide man.

There's a difference between "getting my back" and "should be a clone of me."

Just IMO.


At 1/8/04 12:55 PM, Blogger littlejoe said...

Actually, she made that point, but as I told her, I don't care if SHE disagrees with me. BTW this wasn't about politics or anything like that. It was more that I was waiting for her to say "Stop fucking pushing Joe's buttons.", and it never came.

At 1/8/04 6:15 PM, Blogger Contagion said...

I don't know enough about the situation to form an oppinion. And I don't want to jump to conclusions on this. But I do have to agree with the S-man. I don't expect Ktreva to watch my back and I don't have hers if there is a situation we disagree about. Especially if it's not an important situation. Such as her love of shoes and my needing more weapons.

At 1/8/04 7:55 PM, Blogger Boudicca said...

And I agree with both of you on that, I don't have the same opinions as my spouse, that whole opposites attract thing, HOWEVER, is that the issue or the fact her friend was pushing his buttons and he expected her to put an end to it? If it's the 2nd, then I can see where LJ is aggrivated, but now she knows, you expect HER to reel in HER friends. Whether that is her job or not or even the best way to handle it in the future is another issue all together.

At 1/8/04 8:49 PM, Blogger Contagion said...

But was she really pushing his buttons or was that what he perceived. And if that is the case then his wife may not have perceived it the same way, hence it was an actual conflict of oppinions. See I can see it both ways and with out more details it's easy to believe just in LJ's version. However there are two or more sides to every story. You really need to have more information to make a better judgement call on it. Ie what was the discussion about? Was it like when I was trying to push his buttons by getting in a Batman would kick Spiderman's ass discussion. (The only reason that was pushing buttons was because I don't follow comics enough, however if you get two uber nerd together that both follow comics I could see how that could be a conflict of oppinions.) Or was it something along the lines of D&D being satanistic?

At 1/8/04 9:50 PM, Blogger Boudicca said...

No, I see that too, Contagion. I think she really didn't see it for what he was perceiving. Sorry, Little Joe, I know you're there. I'm not trying to act like you're not.

Anyway, I think a lot of this is miscommunication. So I would have to error on the side of 50/50. Very rarely is one person to blame in an argument. It is a shared responsibility.

I'm not sure it was a Mars/Venus thing, but just flat out not seeing things the same way.

Now you have to repair what has been done, make amends with each other, and do what needs to be done so in the event THIS occurs again, you can react differently and she can see your frustrations early on. A look, a keyword, something. Just a thought.

We all fight. Nobody lives in a utopic marriage.

At 2/8/04 12:09 AM, Blogger littlejoe said...

I thank you all for your input. As far as getting along, we're doing fine today.

I guess what I am having trouble conveying is that I don't expect her to think like me, I don't expect her to agree with me, but I do expect her to say something to the bitchy friend she KNOWS is
trying to piss me off. This has happened before with the same friend, and she told the wife that she was trying to get me going. I didn't bite last time.

This time I was just sick of the bullshit. It was when I started to get mad and argue back that my wife leapt to the defense of the friend. THAT is where I espected her to have my back. Not to make me feel right, because let's face it, when you're a married man being right loses alot of it's charm. No, I just wanted to feel like I had an ally of some kind. Most of you who responded nkow me, and know that I used to be laid back. I think that is where the true problem arises, I am not anymore. In fact I am downright irritable and angry. My wife is still not used to it, in fact she is in denial, and hopes that the old me will be back sometime soon. We talked about it, I explained that I don't even resemble the old me inside anymore. She still expects me to brush things off, and I can't. That is why she sided with the friend (or didn't or whatever), because she figured I would just let it go, and she knew the fragile friend in question wouldn't.

So the real problem was not so much miscommunication, as it was misunderestimation.

At 2/8/04 12:12 AM, Blogger littlejoe said...

The sad conclusion is, I am not going to hang around with the wife and her friends anymore. This sucks, because it will seriously cut my time with her, but I can't put up with them anymore.

At 2/8/04 7:06 AM, Blogger Contagion said...

Well, now that informational tidbit changes the scenario. As for not hanging out with your wife and her friends, give it some time, let things cool, maybe your wife will have a talk with her friend and things can cool down. Until then you know you'r always allowed to hang with the Ktreva and I, even though we are an old boring married couple. hehehe.

At 2/8/04 10:52 AM, Blogger Anathematized1 said...

I came to the post a bit late, but...I think you hit the nail on the head with that second-to-last post of yours. Last time I was at your house and we were all joking around, you got really peeved about something really weird. I kept fucking with you like usual and you kept saying meaner and meaner things to us. It eventually got to the point I realized you were actually PISSED. So I dropped it. I think with the changes of your emotional levels with the past situations wearing down on you you're not the same "so-easy-going-it's-almost-scary" Joe.

It's just something to get used to. I for one, luv ya like a brother, so unless you actually hit me I could care less if you blow up. But, I do have to say you've gotten CONSIDERABLY better than that one batch of meds you were on. I actually thought you were going to try to kill me at that Nerd Day earlier this year.

Well, I can't say that I know what you're going through my friend. But, I'm sure you're in a scary dark place right now, living with "what might have been's", hospital bills, not having any idea what's wrong or if it can be fixed. Well, I know it's trite, but since you can't actually change anything, you can either let it slowly kill you day by day, or harness that inner Joe who was always full of adventure and a joix de vivre and live every day like it's your last. Live the italian way - with passion.

At least if you throw yourself into whatever you do 100% you won't have much time to dwell on the negatives. *climbs off of you soapbox*

Well, off to my drug test.

At 2/8/04 8:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have known you for quite a while... you were always the easy going, laid back kinda guy. Perhaps, and this is just an opinion, a problem is that you aren't used to dealing with the rage you feel, or even more, that you don't have an outlet for that rage. You need a big punching bag, with.... Michael Moore's face painted on it! >G<



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